


Couple's Shopping

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bilbo doesn't like the words sex and shop to mix, Bilbo jumps to conclusions, Crack Treated Seriously, Crackedy crack crack, M/M, This Is STUPID, Thorin and Dwalin are idiots, Why Did I Write This?, ridiculous situations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 11:43:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7616752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo, on a lunch outing with Ori, catches Thorin very much not where he had said he would be - at Dwalin's with a couple of cold ones. No, he's on the corner of a rather busy street in London. Thorin panics, Bilbo assumes, and Ori is not okay with this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Couple's Shopping

Thorin slipped out of the shop, eyes darting quickly up and down the sidewalk, wondering how many of the passersby around were judging him for his… ‘errand.’  
  
Once he decided the coast was clear, he shuffled a few feet down from the door and checked his watch. Good, just another few minutes and he could _get the hell out of there_. The bag he was holding onto was giving him anxiety - he was clutching it so tightly his knuckles were white and he had a light tremor in his hands. Why was he doing this? This was a terrible thing to be doing. He would regret it in just a few hours, he knew that for su-  
  
“What are you doing here?”  
  
Thorin jumped. He didn’t just wince or flinch; he jumped so very violently, as if his bones had made for an escape from his skin, the bag slipping from his hand and hitting the ground with a dull thud.  His head snapped up to the far too familiar speaker and he felt all his thoughts go down the drain, pure panic taking over, rushing through his ears and straight down into his belly.  
  
Bilbo was standing right next to him, staring up at his partner with slightly raised eyebrows, arms crossed firmly over his chest. He looked utterly calm and that frightened Thorin all the more.  
  
“ _Bilbo_ ,” he breathed out, horror quickly taking over his shocked expression. “It isn’t what you think.”  
  
Apparently those weren’t the words Bilbo wanted to hear, his eyebrows shooting to his hairline and his arms dropping so he could gesture sarcastically at him. “Oh? No? What am I supposed to think this is, Thorin Oakenshield? Hmm? What am I supposed to think about my boyfriend, skulking about in front of a _sex shop_ , checking his watch and looking _entirely suspicious_ , when he informed me he would be at Dwalin’s and is _very clearly not at Dwalin’s?_ "  
  
Thorin quickly bent down and swept up the bag, holding it loosely to his thigh (it didn’t help his case judging by the look that had flashed over Bilbo’s face) and shook his head quickly. “I _am_ with Dwalin! He’s here,” he implored, wanting to move closer to his partner but deciding now wasn’t quite the time.  
  
Bilbo snorted out an incredulous laugh. “Is he now? And where is he, then? In the _sex shop_ behind you still? Do you truly expect me to believe that you, _Thorin Oakenshield_ , and he, _Dwalin Fundinson_ , came together in one vehicle and _willingly_ went shopping in a place filled with _strap-ons_ and fluffy pink handcuffs?” he demanded, shifting slowly closer as he spoke, his pointer finger thrust at the shop’s door. At least it hadn’t turned to Thorin’s chest yet.  
  
“We were switching off!” Thorin said with no small amount of fear. As Bilbo’s eyebrows shot up again, he groaned and raked his free hand over his face. “He’s not in there now, I’m meeting him here. I’m not lying to you, why would I?” Thorin scowled at Bilbo’s completely unconvinced look. “Bilbo-“  
  
And then he cut off, looking over Bilbo’s head as Dwalin came striding up, apparently not seeing the shorter man or Thorin’s distress until he was standing right next to them. He started rather harshly like Thorin had when his eyes landed on Bilbo, his face paling and his mouth dropping open. He was carrying a bag identical to Thorin’s, only a small logo on it to keep it discreet and from shouting, ‘ _yes look at me, I’m carrying a dildo_.’  
  
Bilbo glared. “Alright, fine. Yes, hello Dwalin, surprise. I’m sure you weren’t expecting me, were you? Perhaps you can help fill me in on why you and Thorin are shopping at a _sex shop_ in the middle of London? _Together?_ ”  
  
Dwalin seemed as if he was going to attempt an answer but a shrill, “ _Dwalin, you traitor and cheat!_ ” cut through the air first.  
  
The large man, bulging muscles and tattoos, normally so fierce, looked like a mouse cornered by a cat as he swung around to look at Ori.  
  
Ori, who had snuck up on all of them and had apparently been behind Dwalin, had his hands on his hips and a truly murderous look on his face. Bilbo began to feel a bit panicked at that - traitor? Cheat?  
  
“We were supposed to come here _together_ ,” Ori hissed, scowling up at his fiancé. “You promised me we would and you came here with Thorin? With _Thorin?_ You told me I could pick out what I wanted after I very clearly explained to you why _I_ wanted to be the one to decide!”  
  
_Oh_.  
  
Thorin dropped his jaw and looked so betrayed it would have been comical in any other situation. “ _What?_ You didn’t tell me that! I would never have come if you had told me that you fucking arse-“  
  
Bilbo’s arms waved through the air, interrupting. “Excuse me! _Excuse me_ , can you please explain to me what is going on? Ori? Why is Dwalin here and why is my fool of a boyfriend with him?” he asked, looking at his friend.  
  
His best friend, his sweet and _not innocent_ friend, deflated a bit as he looked at Bilbo. “I don’t know,” he answered very pointedly, shooting another glare at Dwalin. “I only know that I am being _betrayed_.”  
  
Thorin growled. “He is _here_ because I dragged him out of the living room and away from the most _mortifying conversation_ I have had in all my life. If I had known the fact that he shouldn’t have been trying to surprise you-“ and now his eyes were attempting to bore holes into Dwalin’s skull “-I would have told him to bugger off. And then I would have drowned myself in vodka.”  
  
Dwalin was flushing now, part embarrassment and part indignation. He growled right back at Thorin. “If I am remembering _correctly_ , you picked that conversation back up in the car, and _you_ were the one who _planned_ how we would do this,” he said, voice very calm, if not a bit sarcastic. Bilbo, who had been inching closer to Thorin and peering into the bag he held, forced himself out of his _own_ mortification at what he saw inside as the large man’s words processed in his mind.  
  
“Wait, wait,” he began as he turned away from the bag, voice a tad high before he cleared his throat. “Are you telling me that you two came here and actually shopped one at a time?”  
  
Both of the taller men turned a bit red at that, but Thorin scoffed. “Of course. I don’t want to know what he purchased, nor does he want to know what I did,” he said, appearing genuinely upset at the very idea and that Bilbo would even ask.  
  
“Don’t think I could’ve stomached being in there at the same time,” Dwalin mumbled, grimacing at that idea as well.  
  
Bilbo and Ori shared a sidelong glance, wondering if these two were truly worth all the trouble, then looked back at their unfortunately chosen partners.  
  
“Well since we’re already here, let me see what you’ve got in case you have to return it. You _do_ remember why I wanted to be the one to pick, don’t you?” Ori chided, holding one wool covered hand out. Bilbo attempted to imagine the noise of a toilet, flushing all images out of his mind at the point he knew Ori was trying to make.  
  
“Must you here?!” he demanded as they both huddled around the bag, and started at his tone. Ori shot him a look before dragging Dwalin a few feet from them, backs turned. Bilbo slowly looked back to Thorin.  
  
“Why are you here?” he asked simply, raising one brow, arms crossing firmly over his chest again.  
  
Thorin groaned, burying his face in his hands for a moment before he looked at his partner, eyes pleading. “He asked if I might be able to help him out and he asked me…” he trailed off, then gestured wildly at the store. “Asked me about _this_. Once I translated _Dwalin-speak_ and realized what he was getting at, I nearly ran from the house and forced him along here. I wanted him to shut the hell up, buy something, and then pretend it never happened. Figured that would be the best I could do to help him.”  
  
Bilbo stared at his partner in a mix of exasperation, annoyance, and a _small_ bit of amusement. “That’s all very well and good - though you really should have just told him you wanted nothing to do with it - but you are also holding a bag in your hand, if you remember,” he said, motioning at it.  
  
“I remember well. It’s a bit of a drive and after having Dwalin ask you about different _practices of stimulation_ , it’s a bit hard to get out of your head. I thought I might…”  
  
“Take a gander around?”  
  
“Yeah. I’ll never ignore my gut again, knew this would be a fucking terrible idea.”  
  
Dwalin snorted as he came alongside Bilbo again, Ori holding onto his arm, looking a bit more flushed than when he had turned away. “And yet you suggested we spend 15 minutes each in there and take a walk around the block while we waited for the other to finish up,” he said, giving Thorin a pointed look.  
  
Bilbo noticed as he was speaking that his arm slid around Ori and his hand was definitely wandering, and oh _good god_. Like children! All of them.  
  
“Alright, this is what we’re going to do and I will hear no arguments. To save us all from further embarrassment, we are all going to leave. Ori and I,” he gestured between himself and his friend, “will be returning in his vehicle. And _you two_ will be returning in yours. And from there, I will get in my car and drive home, and so will Thorin.” He nodded decisively. “And then we will never speak of this again. Are we at an agreement?”  
  
Three heads nodded fervently at him, even if Dwalin looked a little downcast knowing he wouldn’t be driving home with Ori. Bilbo ignored it the best he could.  
  
“Yes, I think that’s the best course of action at this point,” Ori said sagely as he came back to himself. He then promptly turned and walked away, heading in the direction of his parked car, and didn’t look back.  
  
“Dwalin. Please go to the vehicle you and Thorin came in and give us a moment,” Bilbo said simply as he turned his gaze back on Thorin. The taller man was staring at him, eyes desperate again, looking for forgiveness and understanding of the mess he got himself into. He didn’t even look away as he shoved his hand into his pocket and tossed his keys at Dwalin, who managed to walk away looking at least somewhat dignified still.  
  
“And _you_ ,” Bilbo hissed, jabbing that pointer finger into Thorin’s chest as he leaned up toward him, “ _will get that thing ready immediately_. I will be home as soon as I can.”  
  
Thorin helplessly gaped after Bilbo as he strode away, attempting to figure out what the _hell_ had happened in the last few minutes. Though it was admittedly difficult with all his blood having ventured south. After two deep gulps of air, he most certainly _did not_ run back to his car, thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't fucking know anymore -buries head in the sand-


End file.
